Friday, 02 October 2009

  • Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll

    Haha, I couldn't think of anything to write about. I just got back from make an appointment to get me on some meds because I am so out of control. In reality, I am poor, a little wise to Life, and extremely intelligent. I also know things about people they don't like me knowing. I can't be bribed. And I don't like women so much.

    Everyone has become extremely liberal. You listen to cocaine addict bees screaming in microphones with all kinds of machines to make them sound better after they puke in a restroom. I don't care if they write their own songs. Some people write. Some people sing.

    What do I think about sex? Don't have sex with someone you don't care about. Or you will feel bad. Do have sex with someone you love even if they don't love you. But only if you know that.

    Am I ready for sex or a relationship? Or a sexual relationship? I keep thinking of how sweaty, meaty, and hairy men are...ugh. I don't like women. Moments of confusion brought on my homo energy don't last long. But you wouldnt understand that unless you were real sensitive to spiritual activity and a hole had been put in you as a child for the "devil" to get in. Just calling it as I see it. That's it. I don't like girls, but I don't say "no" to women because I was taught not to. I feel much safer with men. I've known good men and bad men. I've never met a woman who didn't try to teach me what a spoiled self centered little piece of sick crap I was. But meaningless sex isn't for me.

    I hate that my so calld beloved is such a thinker. He has to think and think and think to do me. Go do someone else then I guess. I need to let it go. Medicate it away. So it doesn't matter that I've thought it out...now it's crybaby men who have to think. Am I diseased. Probably not...what about whatever one night stands you have...weren't you equally at risk? Am I crazier than the other ones...no I am poor and well thought out with a gift and no tolerance for bullcrap. Like thinking about having a relationship. But in the end we are incompatible. How do I know that? I saw cvs girl. That's the girl that keeps us from seeing each other until we are 50 or one like that if not her. I don't want or need a man who values having a friendship with a female to such a degree that making sure that is still "okay" is more important to building a friendship with me. I need to let him go. Maybe blog why. Feel. Cry. Get it out. But that friendship thing is my thing I black ball in any idea of a relationship. That's where we forked when we were hanging out to begin with. Maintaining his friendship with jen and making friends with a girl he said I would like. I said no. I meant it. I mean it about all male female friendships. I won't marry a man like that. I won't hve sex with a man I have no intention of marrying. So I won't date a man I could never ever see going there past one or two dates so...its done. No amount of money. season tickets to whatever the fuck. love letters or poems for sure unless describing how he was never the individual who in any way valued friendships with the opposite sex and never the no personality yoho who leans after one gf after another to have a minimum sense of self. There are a lot of things I found out about him that are keeping me calm during this loss and extremely important I continue to remind myself what they are so I don't get sucked up in the dream. And remember the reality. The reality is he can't be who I need him to be and I don't want a man who needs to change. I want a man who comes ready for me. No projects. And I want a man who hasn't started his grad degree or is still working on his bachelors, no one with no building up in life left please!

Thursday, 01 October 2009

  • Me and Romance

    I'm the girl the guy calls for the dance, the symphony or other nonsense type thing. I'm the girl the guy takes to a restuarant I don't have a dress for. I don't get flowers. It's a one time event they had to go to anyway. I'm also the girl who gets big offers from guys I barely know, would never date, or I don't know. I'm the girl they guy buys a beeper for, or jewelry, or just bull crap spoiled brats want. I don't get affection. Men talk to me about feelings and how sensitive they are. Or they show  me their money, talk about how much they make, or their cars. So for me, when a man is "giving me attention" he is actually using me to give himself attention. The jewelry a man buys a woman makes him look like he has status. Same thing if he buys you clothes. (I don't have sex.) I've never been given much, nor have I taken everything I've been offered. I just take small things so I'm never obligated. I was raised pretty well by my Grandpa who would role over if I was taking "gifts." When a man talks about his feelings, it feels like you are suddenly the "chubby friend" or his therapist. You aren't getting attention for how you might feel about something. He will never know how you felt about him, the date, or life in general. He assess the date based on how good he felt about what he was talking about. He had a pretty face to mirror him for a while and thats enough. With makeup on and polite forced reactions, that's me. Who has time to get over the shock to say more than "OH" "Sure." Etc. I hate men who tell you how much they make. That's my pet peeve with guys. Do they think you are a hoe? I think if a man is marrying you, than you should know. Then he is showing you how responsible and serious he is taking you and you can tell him how much you make now. Otherwise, you don't need to know how much a person make or how old a person is or how much they weigh etc on those cliches of don't ask.

    What I want? A man who sees me just as a woman. I'm allowed to have negative feelings of others not just be a "spotless mirror." I'd like to rip anyone apart who is trying to perfect me and thank anyone who doesn't think I am totally evil. Sometimes people do. I want a man who doesn't have to make me perfect. I don't have to be the perfect weight just because I could look like a model with some laser hair removel and weight loss. I want a man who thinks I'm pretty beautiful in my ugly state in my normal average people who aren't teeny boppers throwin up to look like I do when I'm thin thin thin. Is that shitty or is that real? I'm not pretty like a normal girl. And I want so desperately to be pretty in that girl next door, gets laid in the pick up sort of way. Not the opera pretty. I'm boxy fat and sometimes that feels so much better than being checked out all alone walkin around. So I never end up on the back of the pickup because I freak out about being checked out anyway. I sabotage my own secret desires to hoe out with my infatuation in a dirty sort of way. Then again, last year working out, getting polite "clicks" made me feel confident to reach out to the infatuation. When I start feeling ugly...because when I am not in groom mode I am fugly. I have a wide range from uuuuuuuuuuggggggggly to striking. I would say I am more striking than beautiful or pretty. Pretty gets a decent life. Striking seems sold out a lot. It's not that big a deal. I just wanted him the HIM to think I was pretty and not Her the hateful her. Otherwise, it was just worrying he wouldn't think so survey the others to see what he might think. I'm a mess about how I Look. I used to be scared of people lookin at me because I thought they could see what had been done to me and that made me feel "ugly." I'm not sure what that means. I look down at myself and realize I look so normal. I look so  okay. So okay in fact no one ever takes my hurt seriously. So okay that no one ever realizes I'm actually old enough to have a grown up life. I don't know what to say about myself. I am so disappointed in myself for not having my education and my inability to pay for my life. The pressure to make money in my family is terrible on the women unless you want to do the unthinkable which is what the women on my dad's side do- the thing I look down on. Lately, been joking about that. Life happens when you are making other plans. I thought I'd be in med school right now. I thought I'd have one child and be married and trying to juggle things. I had it planned out. When that turned out not to happen. I still thought soon enough I'd be married then comes kids. Now I am thinking about getting knocked up. Is it really so bad to be a woman who gets knocked up to keep her man? It's always been my antithesis- my worst nightmare. And here I am thinking what if the world existed in such a way as I wasn't judged based on how much money I could make? What if the world existed in such a way as I could sit my ass at home and take care of my family and be respected for it? What if I am actually warm enough on the inside enough to show affection to children- my own children even? I spent a few years now being a nanny. I've always been great mingling. I'm like some kind of professional mingler when I put the "glow" on. But real warmth is something I've never really had in my life. Anyway, I have warmth afterall. I am so seeking to have that returned in my life on me like sunshine or something. Let me sunbathe a while and get a suntan not burned by love or something. I don't know why I am rambling and stupid analogy on that one.

    I went to the hospital. I went to the free clinic for therapy. I go back tomorrow. I am getting on meds. I thought all I needed was some warmth, but guess not. It's not happening like that so everyone agrees I Need meds more than warmth. I asked my mom to hold me before all this and to take me to the therapist. After my worlds biggest stunt I ever pulled which probably saved my life. She is now saying if you don't let me help...but I asked you to help in the first place and now you are spinning it like I wouldn't let you help me and I'm some prodigal. I don't know. Maybe I am so confused. I don't know if any of the crap I think happens or happened happened or is happening. I also have all these ideas about what I think is real. Today my mom talked to me about how my anxiety and stress was making me think these things are happening. So I guess so. But I still think its happening, so they are putting me on medication. I'm happy about that. I'm tired of being bad and feeling bad and being a burden on people. I think in real life- not online- I complain less than most people. I think that most times I have paid for anything my ex roommate gave me and I'm sure I found him doing things. He says I just make myself a problem for him. I just sat on his couch. He never even offered me a meal. The one he offered he took back. That's normal. He's never made me dinner.

    I guess I like a man who would make me a romantic dinner as long as he still appreciates it when I cook and he doesn't steal my thunder. I just want to give something. Be good at something. Be valued for something that I can do. I'm not very good at much. Nothing that will make me any money. Nothing that really makes anyone happy with me. After a while that's made me unhappy with myself. No warmth no sharing. Sharing is back and forth.

  • Me and living creatures

    Am I an animal person? I would not classify myself as an animal person at all. Yet, I am the sort that is moved by anything sick or wounded. So if an animal is homeless I care. If an animal has a broken whatever I care. If an animal has an affection I care. I care because the animal belongs to G-d. After the animal is patched up than I am one to become immediately indifferent to the animal. I do not care to receive affection from an animal. I do not have nor have I ever had a great deal of time to waste on petting an animal. I know that makes me abnormal and possibly uncaring and unloving. I do not seek attention from animals through caring for them whenever I feel dejected about life. I do not see it as an animals responsibility. I will commune with nature as a whole. I am wary of anything that has become "domesticated." At the same time I see the value of animals for persons with disabilities and the elderly. They also teach children responsibility and caring for other living things. I'm for that. Animals are also good for carrying loads or travel. I am for eating animals. I am comfortable with a pet giving up its life eventually for food. I think eating an animal that  you have cared for is honoring the animal. All that being said...now you know my "general" feelings about animals. There have been two cats I loved, truely befriended: Emily and Serena. I found a lost cat I called "Mojo" because he sure had to have something special about himi to move me ever so slightly so that I would house him vs. giving him away immediately. I have loved every horse I have ever seen. But I haven't been around them so much. So they are still novel. We had some, but I was very small. I had two dogs I really loved that were apart of my Dad's family: Spartigus and Bear. I really loved them both, oddly enough. I've also cared about four other dogs well enough. I would like a Boston Terrier in the future. I currently have a bunny. He's cool, but gets little attention. He lives outside in a bunny haven and his sense of freedom is important to me. Mostly, this year I haven't had a lot of love to share. I think he is mostly happy out there and been developing at a normal pace for a bunny. I didn't want the bunny. Before he came, I spent a good hour telling my grandmother not to buy him. Of course, after he came he grew on me, but he has never received from me what a pet deserves. I would wear fur.

  • I'm not much for causes

    I'm not much for causes. I think if you see something broke and you know how to fix it, then fix it. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. I think a stitch in time saves nine, and why do today what you can put off 'til tomorrow sometimes also. IN short, I think if you focus on one cause than you aren't ever really focusing on human needs. People sometimes argue that if people just take care of the cause that matters to them individually, then each and every cause will eventually get equal attention. That isn't true because we are so social. We want to wear the same hat, same jeans, and look "good" doing the same things so we can do it together. That isn't necessarily bad, atleast not in my mind, but it isn't really helpful to the WHOLE. So if you see something in your house that needs to be picked up, then pick it up and don't sigh about it. The whole world is your house and everyone in it is your brother and sister or cousin or aunt or uncle, grandma or grandpa. The elderly do not mean more than the youth and the youth is not more important than the middle aged. In order to have quality of life for everyone we should take care of what is near us, not what is dear us. Yes, take care of near and dear first, and your actual family first. Let me be clear. Then you are less trouble to the world family. But when giving to the world family, I think people should all work on their own community and whatever trouble is there versus picking a cause. All that being said, if I had something that digs in my heart each and every time, it would be mental retardation in children, head injuries, epilepsy. We all have something that makes us go ahhh. My brother cares deeply for the homeless and hungry. I think my sister probably cares about single mothers. I'm not sure. Maybe we care when someone has something like us because we can relate. Or maybe we care when it's something we can see as beautiful. When I look at the m.r. children and their innocence, I'm always so humbled in a non degrading way- in that real and deep way. Maybe we care just randomly and it's a case when G-d just chooses to jumpstart our heart. When I was about 11, there was a little African American boy at the shelter I worked at who had epilepsy and mental retardation due to head trauma. His name was Cory. My mom tried to adopt him before my brother was born so I could take him after I turned 18 because I wanted him so badly. I'm not entirely callous. Hahaha. But working there all that time, really only this boy burned a hole in my head. He had a dent in his skull where they'd put a baseball bat. He was so fat he couldn't sit up and he drooled til he was soaking on his middle. He was a beautiful baby. There was a boy who went to my school who was at the top of our class and the best football player and he looked like a grown up of this boy. I never thought twice about the boy at my school til I realized that that is who Cory was meant to be. He was meant to do well in school and athletics and be nice to people. That kid was nice and set a good example for all the other players to be nice. I didn't ever really spend time with him as I am not football sort, but I noticed his leadership style and thought I wish baby Cory could have opportunities. My mom tried to go to the case worker and some of the board of directors to see if we could adopt. Then try to find out if he went to another home if we could adopt from another home. Finally, they told us we couldn't because it's a "conflict of interests" and we had met him in the home not as a volunteer. I volunteered but I was underage and my mom worked there. A few months of balling and he was gone. I don't know where he is. I think I would have been a better person sometimes if I had had a kid young. I'd have something to focus on someone to love on and someone to love me back. At the same time, I'm not sure I'd have ever been strong enough to be a single mother. That was the thing I feared the most in life up til about now. Now, I wish I had been stupid before I figured out men never really love anything but themselves. I was in love and look what it cost me. I could have had babies by now. But that dark part of me says, "What world would you send them out into?"

Monday, 28 September 2009

  • The Truth is

    I think I deserve more credit from people than I was getting and definately more compassion, but If they aren't going to give it to me why not screw the pooch on people who really scare the crap out of me too often. Why? Because it hurts me too. But everything hurts now. I'm generally hardworking, persevering, loving and kind, considerate and compassionate to an extreme. People come to expect it to such a degree and take so much advantage of my forgiveness and understanding. Atleast I can say the man I love won't take advantage of my forgiveness. He needs to for our own well-being, but he hasn't finished figuring that out yet? Or maybe I don't know. I got to this point without him that there just isn't a reason to do everything I had been for others to stay afloat, and when I chose not to be in constant submission to everyone around me they did like they always do and then I fell apart and got lazy. You were calling me this than why not be it mentality. I may lose the man I love. We have a basic difference. If he was wanting to die, I'd show up. Because I am he won't. I think that means he has lost sight of G-d. He thinks me saying I will means that I have lost sight of G-d. Neither of us wants to forfeit G-d to be with someone who has lost sight of G-d. I don't understand his point of view. I think every infidelity I feel he has committed because extremely forgiveable in the face of the fact that he's been without G-d this whole time- in desperate search. How can you not see a person in their face who hurts over you? This is not Christlike. Also, what sort of man becomes Jewish from a Christain upbringing to completely deny Christ at the time of his conversion? That's like a person with no faith. It scares me when I find out that he is so far away from G-d and so disconnected. I am going to try to love him, but it's hard because I have no tolerance for becoming a martyr for a person. Lately, I feel like that for this man. If a man is to convert to Judaism from Christianity he should do so with an understanding underneathe it all that Christ is the King of the Jews and becoming Jewish is a better way to serve Christ. Even tho many if not just about all Jews don't believe that...they are wrong. WE are all wrong about something. Keeping the Sabbath, eating Kosher, understanding that the nature of a man- a Jew- is empowered by the togetherness and traditions and time spent with his People and that Christ spoke as a Jew is important to understanding Love of Christ. But knowing and acting out on the Love of Christ is the Law that is imprinted on the hearts of specific and chosen men- who G-d chooses to reach before the time of all fulfillment- and is much more important than your religion. Although, we as Jews must live as an example and do all that is asked of us. As a Jewish woman I was given the covenant to love this man and now I see why. He does not know how to love me. So I think to myself that I must love him until he learns to in return. It is not the normal scenerio of abusive male- this is a man afraid of his nature. And in my opinion extremely confused about love. I kept thinking love would sort him out, but it hasn't. He is too stubborn sometimes to love and so loving enough to give in at times does not reach him- through his thick head. He is too jealous to love sometimes and forgets to have humility as I have had humility in saying I would accept him after he gave away his name to spite my heart. I understand his jealousy led him. MY jealousy has led me so often about him to not even try becausee i feel like I can't compare at all to his life. I am so jealous of lives like that now wondering what I would know about how to have interacted in this in a way that didn't cause him to ridicule me. I don't get it further and further. I never understood to start. People become meaner and meaner. Take away my bed try to give away my bunny. How dare I crash on a couch? Less than three weeks from him in almost ten years that I didn't pay through the teeth for. But that's another person. I should stick to being upset with the situation. The situation of our births. One was born into a normal family and one was abused. The abused one never understands why the other one doesnt just play along. The abused one never understands why he needs to feel chased and that's more important than feelin secure together. The abused one never understands why she can't be herself even a little hurt and still be loved in sickness and health. It's just not goin that far. He isn't goin to love you in sickness and health. Situational sickness or not. Thats what they keep tellin me. So I got off my rocker once and really turned around my life but he still didn't understand me. I need to know a man is Christlike to trust him. I need to know when I say I am hurt the other person responds. I never tell a person when I am hurt an dnever get the help I need because it's always been a really hateful response in return. Look at other people you lazy ( which I am usually not) pc of shit who have it so much worse and deserve more love than you ont he basis of who they are you pathetic pc of crap is the normal response to one tear in my eye. My dream come true consisted on teh man I could trust to say I am hurt to. He would respond. Baby I don't want you to hurt, let me hold you. What is it? I would cry softly and he would hold me through it gently rubbin my back and kissn my tears sayin those girls are mean. You didnt deserve that. YOu didnt deserve that. So there would be a reason to deserve the things I work for. Thats how far the abuse used to be inside. I don't deserve anything so why try to have a turn or do anything. Completely halted stilted. I need him to be Christlike. I need him to respond compassionately not as some talker who speaks speaks speaks about the plight of this or that or tosses money at issues and goes on to play a game with someone new. I needed a husband who is comfortable being a Jew and loves Christ and chooses to act as he would. No man who loves Christ could leave me shut out from love because I hurt because I don't have his love. Because I hurt so bad Christ hears my need to come home to him if I have no mercy or find no love here. And here is this man who loves me too afraid to act like Christ because he is tryng to be a Jew? You don't hide your face from the ones you love. You don't leave someone with no comfort. If you love G-d you don't run away from someone who wants to die. You are not timid you are bold in love when you love G-d period.

BunnyHu

  • Visit BunnyHu's Xanga Site
    • Member Since: 8/12/2009

Archives

Don't worry - your calendar is here… to see it in action just click "Save" above and refresh the page.

Recommended

[no recommendations]

Blogrings

[no blogrings]